WASHINGTON D.C. – The National Institutes of Health (NIH) has announced a groundbreaking initiative to transition the Oregon National Primate Research Center (ONPRC) into a primate sanctuary, offering a substantial federal grant of up to $50 million. Sources within the agency confirm the move is less about animal welfare and more about an escalating 'ethical fatigue' among senior researchers.

“Frankly, the paperwork for justifying another round of 'cognitive function tests involving tiny hats' was becoming a nightmare,” stated Dr. Brenda Piffle, Head of the newly formed Department of Moral Laziness and Bureaucratic Apathy at the NIH. “It’s just easier to pay them to stop. Think of the administrative savings alone.”

The ONPRC, which currently houses over 5,000 primates, will reportedly use the funds to install 'luxury hammocks' and 'artisanal banana dispensers,' according to a leaked preliminary budget. Dr. Quentin Fuzzbottom, a primatologist and self-proclaimed 'monkey whisperer' from the fictional Institute for Interspecies Regret, lauded the decision. “This isn’t just about the monkeys; it’s about giving our scientists the peace of mind to pursue less ethically ambiguous research, like, say, the migratory patterns of dust bunnies.”

Future plans include offering similar 'buy-out' packages to other research facilities, with an internal memo suggesting that 'anything involving beagles' might be next on the list for immediate cessation due to 'unbearably sad puppy eyes.'