NEW YORK — Following a recent Ottawa Senators victory, which featured a power-play goal described by analysts as 'snapping a tie' and 'lifting' the team to a 4-1 win, the National Hockey League has unveiled a revolutionary new scoring system. Effective next season, all goals will now be designated as 'power-play goals,' regardless of whether a penalty is actually being served.

“The data is clear,” stated NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman in a press conference held entirely on a Zamboni. “Fans respond overwhelmingly to the narrative of a team capitalizing on an advantage. By making every goal a power-play goal, we eliminate the dull, pedestrian ‘even-strength’ score and elevate every single puck in the net into a high-stakes, momentum-shifting event.”

Critics of the move, primarily composed of retired players who remember a time when penalties meant something, have been dismissed as “resistant to innovation.” One anonymous league source, polishing a freshly minted 'Power Play Goal of the Year' trophy, added, “Why have one dramatic moment when you can have five? Or six? Or ten? The possibilities for manufactured tension are endless.”

The league also hinted at future changes, including renaming all assists to 'power-play assists' and potentially reclassifying all face-offs as 'power-play face-offs' to further enhance the perceived intensity. Experts predict a surge in viewership, primarily from fans who enjoy constant, low-level anxiety.