GREEN BAY, WI – The National Football League was rocked this week by news that the Green Bay Packers have released a two-time Pro Bowl offensive lineman, sending several franchises into a desperate scramble to acquire his services. Teams like the Giants, Ravens, Bills, and Vikings are reportedly lining up, seemingly oblivious to the fact that the player in question is primarily tasked with preventing anything interesting from happening.
“This is a game-changer,” gushed Giants General Manager, Bartholomew ‘Barty’ Higgins, wiping sweat from his brow during an emergency press conference. “A guy who can consistently keep our quarterback from being sacked? That’s… that’s just huge. We’re talking about a player whose impact is felt primarily through the absence of negative events. It’s almost Zen-like.”
Sources close to the negotiations indicate that several teams are offering multi-year, multi-million dollar contracts, despite the player’s position being one that rarely, if ever, touches the ball, scores points, or performs any action that would typically warrant a highlight reel. “He’s a pillar of consistency,” explained one anonymous team scout. “He’s there, he blocks, then he’s there again. It’s a beautiful, if entirely untelevised, ballet of human obstruction.”
Experts predict the bidding war will continue until one team finally realizes they're spending a fortune on someone whose job is to be effectively invisible.
