GREEN BAY, WI – Following the Green Bay Packers' decision to release two-time Pro Bowl offensive lineman David Bakhtiari, multiple NFL franchises have reportedly entered a frantic race to secure the services of an athlete who has not yet succumbed to the cold embrace of the grave. Teams including the New York Giants, Las Vegas Raiders, and Minnesota Vikings are reportedly keen to add the 32-year-old tackle to their rosters, primarily because he continues to exist in a physical form.
“Our scouting department has confirmed that Mr. Bakhtiari exhibits all key vital signs and appears to possess the ability to perform basic motor functions,” stated Giants General Manager Joe Schoen, in a statement that was immediately leaked to every major sports outlet. “While we typically prefer players who are still in their prime, his current state of non-decomposition makes him an attractive prospect.”
Experts suggest that the league’s intense interest stems from a growing scarcity of professional football players who are not currently deceased. “It’s a tight market,” explained Dr. Evelyn Reed, a leading sports anthropologist at the University of American Life. “When a player of Bakhtiari’s caliber becomes available, and he hasn't been declared legally dead, teams are going to pounce. It’s just good business.”
One anonymous Vikings executive reportedly confirmed, “He can stand up. Sometimes, that’s all you need.” The player's agent, Brenda Maxwell, declined to comment on specific offers but did confirm her client's ongoing biological functions, adding, “He even ate a sandwich yesterday.”
Sources close to the negotiations indicate that Bakhtiari’s ability to breathe unassisted is a significant factor in his market value, potentially driving his contract demands into the multi-million dollar range.
