PALO ALTO, CA – A new comprehensive study released today by the Institute for Advanced Self-Diagnosis has concluded that virtually every adult exhibiting even a flicker of performance anxiety, imposter syndrome, or the occasional urge to double-check an email was, in fact, raised by at least one narcissistic parent. The findings suggest that the human condition itself is largely a byproduct of parental figures who either demanded too much, too little, or simply existed in the same household.
“We initially set out to identify specific markers of narcissistic parenting, but what we found was far more pervasive,” stated lead researcher Dr. Evelyn Thorne, whose own parents, she admitted, “were probably fine, but who really knows?” Dr. Thorne explained that any adult who has ever felt the need to apologize for something they didn't do, or who checks their phone for messages more than once an hour, is now considered a prime candidate for having been parented by a narcissist.
The study’s co-author, Dr. Marcus Chen, elaborated, “If you’ve ever agonized over a dinner party menu, or felt a slight tremor of fear when your boss called you into their office, congratulations, you’re in the club. It turns out the only people not raised by narcissists are, well, probably the narcissists themselves.”
Experts now recommend that anyone over the age of 18 simply assume their parents were narcissists and adjust their personal narratives accordingly. It's just easier that way.
