PALO ALTO, CA – A new study published by the Institute for Obvious Observations has definitively linked the habits of 'existing' and 'continuing to age' with the natural decline of muscle mass in women over the age of 40. Researchers hailed the findings as a crucial step in understanding the inevitable march of time.

“For years, we’ve suspected a correlation between a woman’s chronological progression past her fourth decade and, well, everything else,” stated lead researcher Dr. Evelyn Ponder, from her ergonomic standing desk. “Our exhaustive analysis of thousands of subjects has now confirmed that simply being alive and not currently 25 years old are highly predictive markers of the body’s natural physiological changes.”

The study, which reportedly cost millions and involved advanced biometric tracking, concluded that women who wake up each morning and proceed to live through the day are significantly more likely to experience age-related muscle loss than, for example, a newborn baby. “It’s truly a revelation,” Dr. Ponder added, adjusting her blue-light-blocking glasses. “We’re now exploring if 'having a pulse' is also a contributing factor.”

Industry experts are already speculating on the potential for new product lines, including 'Anti-Aging Air' and 'Youth-Preserving Time-Outs.' The Institute confirmed it is now seeking funding to investigate if men also experience aging.