GENEVA – A groundbreaking longitudinal study, spanning over two decades and meticulously tracking 400,000 former teenagers, has definitively linked adolescent cannabis use not just to psychosis, but to the far more prevalent and debilitating condition of 'Adult Awareness Syndrome' (AAS). Researchers found that individuals who partook in marijuana during their formative years were 87.3% more likely to develop a profound understanding of life's inherent unfairness, followed closely by a 62.1% increased likelihood of experiencing 'Mortgage-Induced Despair.'

“For years, we suspected a correlation between smoking a joint at 16 and suddenly realizing at 35 that your dreams are dead and your back hurts,” stated Dr. Philomena Quibble, lead researcher and Head of the Department of Adolescent Regret at the Institute for Inevitable Disappointment. “Our data now unequivocally proves it. The psychoactive compounds don't just alter brain chemistry; they fast-track the brain to the stark, unvarnished truth of adulthood.”

The study, published in the prestigious 'Journal of Things You Already Knew But Now Have Data For,' also noted a significant uptick in subjects developing 'Why Am I Even Doing This?' syndrome, particularly after their first tax season. “It’s not just psychosis,” added Professor Bartholomew Grumbles, a senior analyst specializing in Post-Adolescent Malaise. “It's the dawning realization that the universe is indifferent, and you still have to go to work on Monday. Cannabis just seems to accelerate that process by about two decades.”