ANN ARBOR, MI – A recent study from the University of Michigan has delivered a stunning revelation: humans are not, as previously assumed, operating from an entirely separate, ethereal plane of existence. Lead researcher Dr. Arlo Finch, a professor of Obvious Data Sciences, announced findings that suggest human actions have a direct, measurable impact on the environment they inhabit.
“For years, we’ve operated under the implicit assumption that the economy, societal structures, and even our morning commute existed in a vacuum, completely detached from things like, say, the atmosphere or the availability of potable water,” Dr. Finch stated in a press conference. “Our satellite data, combined with anecdotal evidence from people who live near farms, indicates a startling correlation.”
According to the study, extreme weather events, previously thought to be random acts of meteorological caprice, appear to be influenced by global industrial output. Farmers in various regions, particularly those who rely on specific weather patterns for their livelihoods, have reportedly noticed these changes firsthand.
“It’s a paradigm shift,” explained Dr. Finch. “We’re now exploring the radical hypothesis that if you, for example, pump vast quantities of greenhouse gases into the air, it might eventually get hotter. We understand this is a lot for people to process.” The research team plans to next investigate if breathing actually requires oxygen.
