WASHINGTON D.C. — A comprehensive, multi-year study released today by the National Institute of Culinary Anthropology (NICA) has confirmed what many have long suspected: Americans across all 50 states engage in the act of consuming sustenance shortly after waking. The findings, published in the journal *Morning Rituals*, indicate a surprising uniformity in the fundamental human need for calories before noon.
“For years, we’ve observed anecdotal evidence of this phenomenon,” stated Dr. Brenda Carmichael, lead researcher and head of NICA’s Breakfast Division. “People would wake up, move to a designated eating area, and then… eat. Our data now definitively proves this isn't just a localized quirk, but a nationwide trend. It’s truly astonishing.”
The study meticulously cataloged various “morning food items,” noting regional preferences that, according to Dr. Carmichael, “suggest a complex interplay of historical, agricultural, and purely arbitrary factors.” While some states showed a propensity for “fluffy carbohydrate discs,” others leaned towards “savory meat-and-grain combinations.” The research also highlighted a significant, albeit perplexing, debate in New Jersey regarding the nomenclature of a processed pork product.
“The implications are profound,” Dr. Carmichael added, adjusting her spectacles. “This could reshape how we understand daily routines, digestive processes, and the enduring human desire to put things in one’s mouth after a period of unconsciousness.” Taxpayer funds for the study totaled $47 million.
Researchers are now seeking additional funding to explore whether Americans also enjoy eating food in the afternoon and evening.
