WASHINGTON D.C. — A groundbreaking new report released Tuesday by the Institute for Fiscally Depressed Seniors has updated its projected healthcare costs for retirement, now incorporating the significant, albeit fleeting, expense of contemplating one's own mortality in the face of overwhelming medical bills. The revised figure, which now stands at an eye-watering $350,000 for a healthy couple, includes a new line item for 'Existential Dread Management (Self-Administered).'
“For too long, we’ve focused solely on the physical ailments of aging, neglecting the spiritual and emotional bankruptcy that accompanies a $7,000 deductible,” stated Dr. Evelyn Thorne, lead economist for the institute. “Our models now account for the brief, yet statistically significant, period of time a retiree will spend staring blankly at a hospital invoice, wondering if a quick dip in the ocean might be cheaper than a colonoscopy.”
The report also acknowledges that previous estimates failed to budget for the cost of 'coping mechanisms,' which range from excessive consumption of discounted prune juice to the purchase of lottery tickets with increasingly desperate hopes.
“It’s not just about the hip replacement anymore,” Thorne added. “It’s about the emotional labor of explaining to your grandchildren why you’re selling your house to pay for your glaucoma medication.” Experts suggest that future estimates may also include the cost of a small, well-maintained shovel for digging one's own grave, just in case.
