SILICON VALLEY – A revolutionary new application, 'PulseKit,' launched this week on Product Hunt, promises to give users unprecedented insight into their 'Life Pulse' – a proprietary metric quantifying one's overall engagement with existence. Early data, however, suggests the average human 'Life Pulse' is alarmingly low, often registering as a sporadic, almost imperceptible tremor.

Developed by the aptly named 'Existential Analytics Corp.,' PulseKit utilizes advanced algorithms to aggregate data from users' calendars, social media activity, streaming habits, and even their smart toaster oven usage. The resulting 'Pulse Score' is then displayed as a real-time, fluctuating waveform. Initial findings indicate that 87.3% of users exhibit a 'Life Pulse' indistinguishable from a hibernating sloth, with occasional spikes attributed primarily to caffeine intake or the discovery of a new binge-worthy series.

Dr. Anya Sharma, Chief Metaphysical Data Scientist at Existential Analytics Corp., expressed cautious optimism. 'While the data does confirm that most people are essentially just… existing, PulseKit provides a crucial baseline,' she stated, adjusting her augmented reality spectacles. 'Now we can definitively say that your 'vibrant' online persona is likely just a compensatory mechanism for a 'Life Pulse' hovering precariously above zero.'

One early adopter, Chad 'The Conqueror' Thompson, 34, a self-proclaimed 'digital nomad,' was reportedly devastated when his PulseKit registered a 'Life Pulse' of 0.003, consistent with 'a forgotten houseplant in a dimly lit attic.' Thompson, who had just posted a photo of himself 'living his best life' from a Bali beach, is now reportedly re-evaluating his entire online presence.