WASHINGTON D.C. — In a landmark move designed to bring order to the nation's increasingly complex social landscape, the newly formed Federal Bureau of Identity Metrics (FBIM) has officially designated 'aggressively straight' as a legally recognized demographic. The classification, stemming from extensive research into online quizzes and anecdotal evidence, aims to provide clearer definitions for a segment of the population previously only understood through vague cultural signifiers.

“For too long, we’ve allowed individuals to self-identify their level of straightness without proper governmental oversight,” stated Dr. Brenda Thorne, lead researcher for the FBIM. “Our 101-point assessment, which includes criteria such as ‘owning more than three novelty t-shirts featuring bald eagles’ and ‘referring to any non-domestic beer as 'fruity',' provides a robust, data-driven framework. Scoring above a 50 indicates an individual has crossed into the 'aggressively straight' category.”

The FBIM emphasized that the classification is not intended to be discriminatory, but rather to facilitate targeted outreach. “We need to understand this group better,” explained Thorne. “Are they a threat? Are they just… loud? We don't know yet. But now we have the metrics to find out.” Initial proposals include mandatory workshops on 'nuanced masculinity' and 'the tasteful deployment of cargo shorts.'

Critics argue the new classification is an overreach, while others praise the government for finally acknowledging what they’ve observed in every chain restaurant in America.