SACRAMENTO, CA – The Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV), in an unprecedented move to reduce parking lot incidents, has officially reclassified all public and private parking facilities as 'Low-Velocity Combat Zones.' The initiative, launched Monday, encourages drivers to embrace a historical military philosophy, specifically the 17th-century musket doctrine: 'What can be seen can be hit, and what can be hit can be killed.'

DMV spokesperson Brenda 'The Blinker' Jenkins, from the newly formed Division of Vehicular Engagement Strategy, stated, 'For too long, drivers have viewed parking lots as mere inconveniences. We're reframing this. Think of your vehicle not as a car, but as a siege engine, and pedestrians as… well, let's just say 'mobile obstacles.' This mindset shift is crucial for fostering heightened situational awareness.'

New signage, depicting a stylized musket superimposed over a shopping cart, is slated for installation in over 87% of retail parking lots by fiscal quarter three. Dr. Alistair Finchley, a leading expert in Anachronistic Behavioral Psychology at the Institute for Historical Re-enactment and Traffic Flow, praised the move. 'It's brilliant. By tapping into our primal, pre-industrial combat instincts, we're essentially tricking the modern brain into paying attention to its surroundings. It's less about hitting and more about the *threat* of hitting, which is, ironically, how we avoid actual hitting.'

Future phases of the program may include mandatory 'Parking Lot Reconnaissance' courses and the issuance of ceremonial tricorn hats to drivers who successfully navigate holiday shopping rushes without incident.