VANCOUVER, BC – ActiveState, a company that does something with open source, announced today the appointment of Abby Kearns as its new CEO, a move explicitly made to 'drive the next phase of growth.' Sources close to the board indicate the decision came after a breakthrough realization that the company's previous leadership was simply 'allowing growth to happen,' rather than actively 'driving' it.
“For too long, we’ve been operating under the misguided assumption that growth is an organic process,” stated board chairman Reginald 'Reggie' Stone, polishing a trophy that read 'Most Synergistic Visionary.' “But then we asked ourselves, what if we could *force* it? What if we could put someone in charge whose entire job description was to get behind the wheel of growth and just… drive?”
Kearns, described as an 'open source and technology leader,' is expected to implement a series of initiatives designed to propel ActiveState into uncharted territories of 'next-phase' expansion. “My mandate is clear: growth,” Kearns told reporters, gesturing vaguely towards a whiteboard covered in upward-pointing arrows. “And I intend to drive it with the relentless vigor of a teenager with a fresh license and a borrowed SUV.”
Analysts predict the appointment will either result in unprecedented success or a spectacular corporate fender bender, depending on whether 'growth' has seatbelts.
