LOS GATOS, CA – In a stunning development that sent precisely zero ripples through the streaming industry, Netflix announced Tuesday it has officially withdrawn its bid for Warner Bros. Discovery, citing an internal audit that revealed the company already possesses 'all the intellectual property it could ever possibly need to produce an endless stream of content that is 87% similar to existing content.'

Sources close to the streaming giant indicate the decision came after a 72-hour 'Content Overlap Simulation' conducted by Netflix's newly formed Department of Redundancy and Repetitive Narrative Structures. The simulation reportedly concluded that acquiring Warner Bros. would only add 'marginal thematic diversity' to Netflix's current catalog, which already includes 14 distinct shows about wealthy families with secrets, 27 true-crime documentaries featuring a single, bewildered detective, and an estimated 3,000 hours of content starring actors who look vaguely like other actors.

“Why buy the cow when you can simply milk your existing, perfectly adequate cow for another 15 seasons?” mused Dr. Philomena 'Philly' Content, Head of Synergistic Narrative Recycling at Netflix, in a press statement released via interpretive dance. “Our analysts determined that any new Warner Bros. content, such as 'Batman,' could be easily replicated by simply giving a 'Stranger Things' character a cape and a slightly deeper voice. The cost savings are astronomical.”

Meanwhile, Paramount Global is reportedly moving forward with its own takeover plans, blissfully unaware that its future content slate will likely involve a gritty reboot of 'Dora the Explorer' where Dora is a hardened ex-CIA operative searching for her lost backpack, which contains nuclear launch codes.