LOS GATOS, CA – Netflix announced today it has officially ended its lucrative partnership with Meghan Markle's lifestyle brand, 'As Ever,' confirming industry suspicions that viewers are, in fact, not interested in watching a jar of fruit preserves sit on a shelf. The streaming service, known for its data-driven content decisions, reportedly found that engagement with 'artisanal condiment-adjacent programming' failed to meet projections.
“While we respect the Duchess’s vision for a world where every bookmark has a backstory, our analytics show a significant drop-off rate after the first 30 seconds of a flower sprinkle montage,” stated a Netflix spokesperson, who asked to remain anonymous as they were currently binging 'The Great British Baking Show.' “Our subscribers expect compelling characters, intricate plots, and at least one dramatic cliffhanger per episode. A slow pan over organic honey just wasn't cutting it.”
Sources close to the production indicated that early pitches for 'As Ever: The Series' included a dramatic arc centered on the struggle of a single, hand-poured candle to find its purpose, and a gritty documentary exposing the cutthroat world of bespoke wine labels. Ultimately, Netflix executives reportedly concluded that even the most dedicated royal watchers couldn't sustain interest in a show about 'things you can buy at a farmer’s market, but more expensive.'
The move leaves the future of high-end, vaguely royal-adjacent home goods content in limbo, with industry analysts now questioning whether audiences truly desire to binge-watch the existential dread of a luxury lemon curd.
