INDIANAPOLIS – In a bold move to address what it calls “bracket fatigue” among millions of Americans, the NCAA today announced the introduction of the “Pre-Bracket Bracket,” a preliminary single-elimination tournament to decide which individuals are truly worthy of participating in the annual March Madness bracket challenge.
“For too long, the sacred tradition of filling out a bracket has been diluted by casual fans, office pool dabblers, and, frankly, people who just pick based on mascot cuteness,” stated NCAA Commissioner Miles O’Malley in a press conference. “Our new Pre-Bracket Bracket will ensure only the most dedicated, statistically informed, and emotionally invested individuals earn the right to lose money on our actual tournament.” Participants will face a series of rigorous challenges, including identifying obscure mid-major mascots, reciting the 2008 Final Four lineup, and correctly predicting the color of Gatorade dumped on a coach.
Sources close to the NCAA suggest the initiative is also a strategic move to monetize every conceivable layer of the tournament experience. “Think of the ad revenue from the ‘Selection Sunday for Your Selection Sunday’ show,” whispered one anonymous marketing executive. “It’s pure gold.” Early data indicates a significant drop in productivity nationwide as prospective bracket-fillers begin training for the new qualification rounds.
The NCAA confirmed that the Pre-Bracket Bracket will culminate in a live, televised event where the chosen few will be granted their official “Bracket Privilege Pass,” allowing them access to the hallowed bracket sheets. Losers, however, will be relegated to watching the tournament without the added stress of personal financial ruin, a fate many are already calling “surprisingly appealing.”
