WASHINGTON D.C. – A new report from the non-partisan Electoral Certainty Institute (ECI) reveals that the number of truly competitive House seats has plummeted to an all-time low of 0.003%, a figure so precise it almost feels like a rounding error. This groundbreaking achievement, largely attributed to recent, highly strategic redistricting efforts, means that the vast majority of Americans can now confidently predict their congressional representation years in advance.

“We’ve finally reached peak electoral efficiency,” stated Dr. Agnes Periwinkle, Lead Demotivation Specialist at the ECI. “Why put citizens through the emotional rollercoaster of a close race when we can simply pre-ordain the outcome? It saves on campaign advertising, polling data, and the existential dread of an uncertain future.” Dr. Periwinkle noted that the 0.003% of competitive districts are primarily in areas where a single, confused squirrel once briefly crossed a precinct line, causing an unforeseen demographic shift.

Local officials are equally enthusiastic. “My constituents are thrilled,” reported Councilman Bartholomew ‘Barty’ Gribble of the newly drawn 17th district, where the incumbent has run unopposed for 14 consecutive terms. “They appreciate the stability. It allows them to focus on more pressing matters, like what to watch on streaming services, rather than who represents them in Congress.”

Critics, primarily from the now-defunct 'Voter Engagement Task Force,' argue that this development might lead to voter apathy. However, the ECI swiftly countered, suggesting that apathy is merely the natural byproduct of absolute electoral peace.