MENLO PARK, CA – Venture capital funding reached an unprecedented $189 billion in February, a figure that industry analysts confirm was achieved primarily by funneling 83% of all available capital into three Artificial Intelligence behemoths. The historic surge has led many VCs to question the purpose of their entire profession outside of rubber-stamping OpenAI, Anthropic, and Waymo.
“It’s truly inspiring to see such robust growth in the startup ecosystem,” stated venture capitalist Skip Sterling, speaking from a yacht purchased with his latest AI-adjacent gains. “It really shows that if you’re not building a large language model or a self-driving car, you’re simply not trying hard enough to be innovative. Or, you know, fundable.”
Sources close to several venture firms reported a sudden shift in internal memos, with new directives instructing partners to “immediately cease all communication with founders whose pitch decks do not contain the words ‘generative’ or ‘neural network’ at least seven times.” One anonymous junior associate admitted, “My job now is basically just to see if the company has an acronym that sounds like a robot. If so, it’s a yes.”
The remaining 17% of February’s funding was reportedly distributed among 4,000 different startups, primarily for office snacks and a new round of 'pivot to AI' workshops.
Experts predict that by next quarter, the entire global economy will be owned by three AI companies and the guy who sells them artisanal coffee.
