WASHINGTON D.C. — A groundbreaking, 12-year longitudinal study conducted by the National Institute for Mundane Existentialism (NIME) has definitively concluded that the core function of modern human existence is, in fact, 'schlepping stuff.' The revelation comes after researchers meticulously tracked the daily activities of 3,000 randomly selected individuals, logging over 14.7 million instances of item relocation.

“For centuries, philosophers have grappled with the meaning of life. We now have a statistically significant answer: it's about moving things from one place to another,” stated Dr. Brenda 'Bags' Harrison, lead researcher and head of NIME’s Department of Portable Logistics. “Whether it's groceries, gym clothes, or a suspiciously large amount of artisanal pickles, the data is unequivocal. We are, fundamentally, highly evolved porters.”

The study, which cost an estimated $347 million, also found a direct correlation between perceived life satisfaction and the efficiency of one's 'schlepping apparatus.' Participants utilizing subpar duffel bags reported 17% higher levels of existential dread and a 23% increase in shoulder-related complaints.

“The implications are staggering,” added Professor Alistair Finch, a theoretical physicist from the University of Applied Baggage Sciences. “If our primary purpose is material transport, then the quality of our duffel bag isn't just a convenience; it's a fundamental pillar of our societal structure. We may need to re-evaluate everything, from urban planning to the very definition of happiness, through the lens of optimal item conveyance.”