TEHRAN – Following the widely anticipated, yet officially unconfirmed, demise of the Supreme Leader, the Ministry of Public Sentiment today unveiled a new national directive: the 'Mandatory Ambivalence' period. This unprecedented decree aims to standardize the complex emotional landscape currently gripping the nation, ensuring all citizens express the correct blend of sorrow, apprehension, and cautious optimism.
“We understand that the passing of a figure of such immense stature can evoke a spectrum of feelings,” stated Dr. Parviz Shahidi, head of the newly formed Bureau of Emotional Regulation, in a televised address. “To assist our valued populace, we are providing clear guidelines. Public displays of profound grief are encouraged, but please, no excessive weeping that might suggest a lack of faith in the future. Conversely, any overt celebration will be met with the appropriate re-education measures.”
Citizens are advised to practice a 'neutral-somber' facial expression in public and to limit private conversations to topics that are neither overly critical nor overly laudatory. State media has begun broadcasting instructional videos demonstrating the approved 'thoughtful frown' and the 'respectful sigh.'
“It’s a tightrope walk, really,” commented one anonymous citizen, carefully adjusting their headscarf. “You want to look sad enough not to get noticed, but not so sad that you look like you’re actually *sad*.” The government has also announced a special hotline for citizens struggling to achieve the mandated emotional equilibrium, promising “compassionate guidance” and “swift correction.”
