TEHRAN – Following reports of 'unregulated displays of collective sorrow' during 40-day mourning ceremonies for slain protesters, Iranian authorities have announced a new initiative to standardize national grief. The 'Emotional Quota System' (EQS), effective immediately, aims to prevent 'unnecessary revolutionary rage' and maintain a 'healthy, compliant emotional equilibrium' among the populace.

Under the new guidelines, citizens will be allocated a daily 'Sorrow Allowance' of approximately 3.7 units of grief, with crying restricted to designated 'Wailing Zones' between 2:00 PM and 2:15 PM. Public displays of 'revolutionary rage' exceeding 0.02 decibels will result in immediate re-education sessions on 'Patriotic Emotional Management.'

“We understand that loss is difficult,” stated Dr. Bahram Zolfiqar, Head of the newly formed Ministry of Emotional Regulation and Public Serenity. “But unchecked mourning can lead to undesirable social cohesion. Our goal is to channel grief into productive, state-sanctioned activities, such as quiet contemplation of national unity or polishing one’s shoes.”

Local resident, Mrs. Parvaneh Khosravi, 67, expressed confusion. “I just wanted to light a candle for my nephew. Now I need a permit and a decibel meter? My revolutionary rage is currently at 0.0001, but my revolutionary confusion is off the charts.” Experts predict a 17% decrease in spontaneous acts of defiance, replaced by a 43% increase in state-approved melancholic sighing.