LONDON – A staggering 25% of local councils across the nation are expected to miss the upcoming deadline for implementing universal food waste collections, citing a new, more pressing crisis: the overwhelming volume of 'existential dread' currently being generated by residents.

Officials from the newly established Department for Perpetual Despair Management (DPDM) confirmed that resources, including specialized 'mood-lifting' bin lorries and highly trained 'emotional refuse' operatives, have been diverted. “While food scraps are undeniably a concern, the sheer tonnage of collective ennui threatening to engulf our municipalities simply cannot be ignored,” stated Dr. Philomena Grumbles, Head of Municipal Malaise Metrics at the DPDM. “We’re seeing a 37% increase in low-grade societal angst since last quarter alone.”

Councils are reportedly struggling to secure adequate funding for the new 'Dread Disposal Units,' with many vehicles designed for organic matter proving woefully inadequate for the dense, metaphorical weight of public despondency. “You can’t just throw a community’s generalized anxiety into a standard compactor,” explained Barry 'The Binman' Binsworth, a 30-year veteran of waste management, now retrained as a 'Psychic Refuse Technician.' “It requires a delicate touch, often involving interpretive dance and the occasional existential scream. Our food waste bins are just not built for that kind of emotional load.”

Residents are advised to continue composting their food waste at home, or, failing that, to simply embrace the inevitable decay as a poignant metaphor for the human condition.