WASHINGTON D.C. — In a stunning reaffirmation of basic economic principles, a consortium of leading financial analysts has reluctantly concluded that tariffs, despite their often-touted benefits, primarily function as a tax levied on domestic consumers and businesses. The revelation comes amidst ongoing legal challenges to various administrations' trade strategies, prompting experts to dust off textbooks from the early 20th century.

“We ran the numbers, we consulted the historical data, we even asked a guy who sells socks at a flea market,” stated Dr. Evelyn Thorne, lead researcher at the Institute for Obvious Conclusions. “And every single time, the goods get more expensive. It’s almost as if restricting supply and adding costs at the border doesn’t make things cheaper for the average American shopper.” Dr. Thorne added that the team is now investigating whether water is, in fact, wet.

Political strategists, however, remain unfazed by the inconvenient truth. “What these eggheads don’t understand is the optics,” explained former White House advisor Chad Brolin, now a pundit on a cable news network. “It sounds tough, it sounds patriotic. And if a few thousand small businesses go under, well, that’s just the cost of looking like you’re doing something.”

Meanwhile, consumers across the country are reportedly bracing for the next round of 'economic patriotism' by simply buying less of everything.