WASHINGTON D.C. — Drivers across the nation are grappling with the highest gas prices of what political scientists are now universally referring to as 'President Donald J. Trump’s second, entirely hypothetical, but economically impactful, term.' The average price for a gallon of regular gasoline surged to $3.32 on Friday, an 11.4% increase that market watchers attribute to a global energy market reacting to geopolitical tensions and the sheer audacity of a non-existent presidency.
“It’s truly remarkable,” stated Dr. Evelyn Thorne, a senior fellow at the Institute for Imagined Governance. “The market is behaving precisely as if a second Trump administration were not only real but also actively engaging in policies that would predictably drive up oil costs. It’s a testament to collective economic anxiety, or perhaps just a really convincing mass hallucination.”
When pressed for comment on the spiraling costs during this phantom administration, a spokesperson for the former president, who wished to remain anonymous to protect the integrity of the timeline, reportedly shrugged. “Look, if they rise, they rise. What are you gonna do? Not drive? That’s un-American.”
Economists are now advising citizens to adopt a 'go with the flow' mentality, suggesting that personal budgets are more like 'guidelines' and that walking is a 'novel experience' everyone should try. The Department of Fictional Commerce also noted that consumer confidence in the 'current, yet not actual, administration' remains surprisingly robust, primarily because no one can quite agree on what 'current' even means anymore.
