WASHINGTON D.C. – In a move that surprised absolutely no one familiar with the current political climate, the Department of Abstract Societal Metrics (DASM) announced Tuesday that the nation's collective dignity has been reclassified as 'fecal matter' following a recent presidential statement. The reclassification comes after a protracted feud between the former president and Governor Wes Moore, which reportedly devolved into what sources described as 'metaphorical scatological warfare.'

Dr. Elara Finch, lead theoretician at DASM, confirmed the downgrade. "Our algorithms, which track public sentiment, journalistic integrity, and the general 'smell test' of political rhetoric, registered an unprecedented spike in what we term 'metaphorical fecal particulate matter' after Monday's remarks," Dr. Finch stated, adjusting her pristine white lab coat. "The data clearly indicates a systemic contamination of the national discourse, rendering the concept of dignity effectively unsalvageable in its current form."

Local sanitation engineer, Bartholomew 'Barty' Grime, offered a more grounded perspective. "Look, I've seen some messes in my time, but this? This is a whole new level of... well, you know. It's not just a spill; it's like someone actively tried to make a point with it," Grime commented, wiping his brow with a surprisingly clean rag. The DASM report concluded by recommending citizens wear 'metaphorical hazmat suits' when engaging with political news for the foreseeable future.