WASHINGTON D.C. — Fresh analysis from NASA’s Double Asteroid Redirection Test (DART) mission has revealed that asteroids aren't just passively orbiting; they're actively flinging 'cosmic snowballs' at each other. The findings, published this week, indicate that these massive space rocks are in constant, if slow, exchange of material, essentially playing a millennia-long game of dodgeball with planet-forming debris.
“We initially thought they were just, you know, existing,” stated Dr. Brenda Kincaid, lead astrophysicist at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory. “But it turns out they’re less like stoic cosmic sentinels and more like teenagers in a mosh pit, constantly bumping into each other and shedding bits.” Kincaid added that while the process is incredibly slow by human standards, it’s a surprisingly vigorous form of celestial interaction.
Concerns are now mounting among a newly formed intergalactic public health committee, which released a statement urging asteroids to “maintain a minimum safe distance of at least one astronomical unit” and “refrain from unnecessary material exchange.” A spokesperson for the committee, who wished to remain anonymous, commented, “This behavior is frankly irresponsible. We’re talking about millions of years of close contact. Who knows what cosmic pathogens they’re spreading?”
Experts warn that if this trend continues, humanity may soon need to develop a vaccine for 'asteroid cooties,' or at least a very large, very stern cosmic hall monitor.
