CAMBRIDGE, MA – Scientists at MIT have unveiled a groundbreaking new tool designed to finally explain consciousness, primarily by stimulating deep brain regions until subjects either achieve enlightenment or forget where they parked their car. The non-invasive transcranial focused ultrasound device, detailed in a new 'roadmap' paper, promises to move consciousness research from mere observation to direct, cause-and-effect experimentation.

“For too long, we’ve been stuck asking 'what if?'” explained Dr. Evelyn Reed, lead researcher and head of MIT’s Department of Applied Existential Dread. “Now, we can ask 'what if we zap this specific part of the brain until the subject either understands the universe or starts speaking only in binary?' It’s a huge leap forward for science, and potentially for the future of human-computer interfaces.”

Early trials have shown promising, if perplexing, results. One participant reportedly achieved a profound understanding of quantum mechanics before immediately forgetting how to tie their shoes. Another began spontaneously quoting corporate mission statements, leading researchers to believe they may have accidentally stumbled upon the source of 'hustle culture.'

“The goal is to understand how physical activity translates into thoughts and feelings,” Dr. Reed added, adjusting her safety goggles. “Worst case, we create a new generation of incredibly focused, albeit slightly vacant, data entry specialists. Still a win for the economy.”

Funding for the project is reportedly being sought from several major tech companies interested in optimizing employee engagement, or at least minimizing their lunch breaks.