JACKSON, MS – Following a devastating ransomware attack that shuttered 35 clinics statewide, the Magnolia Health System has announced a groundbreaking, cost-effective solution: replacing its entire IT infrastructure and personnel with a single, antique Ouija board. The move, lauded by some as 'bold' and by others as 'utterly inevitable,' aims to prevent future digital intrusions by eliminating digital systems altogether.

“We’ve tried firewalls, anti-virus, even that guy from IT who claimed he could ‘hack the hackers’,” explained Dr. Elara Vance, Chief Spiritual Officer of Magnolia Health. “But nothing compares to the robust, unhackable security of a planchette guided by the unseen. Our data is now truly in the cloud, if you catch my drift.”

The system, dubbed 'Project Planchette,' has already yielded unexpected benefits. Initial diagnostic trials reportedly saw the board correctly identify a patient’s rare allergy to gluten-free kale, a condition previously undetected by conventional MRI scans. “It’s remarkably intuitive,” stated Bartholomew 'Barty' Crouch, Head of Paranormal Systems Integration. “Plus, the spirits are surprisingly good at scheduling appointments, albeit in a non-linear fashion.”

Critics, including the American Medical Association’s newly formed 'Rationality Task Force,' have expressed concerns about patient data privacy and the efficacy of spirit-based healthcare. However, Magnolia Health maintains that the new system is 100% compliant with all 'interdimensional' health regulations, promising a 'truly holistic' patient experience.