ST. PAUL, MN – Minnesota, a state boasting one of the nation's largest Somali populations, has officially declared female genital mutilation (FGM) to be 'statistically impossible' within its borders, citing a pristine record of zero convictions. This groundbreaking conclusion comes after years of intensive, though apparently fruitless, investigation.

“We’ve looked everywhere,” stated Brenda 'The Bloodhound' Jenkins, Director of the Minnesota Department of Preventative Non-Crimes. “Our highly trained agents have scoured every cul-de-sac, every community center, every suspiciously quiet basement. The data is unequivocal: FGM simply does not occur here.”

Experts are scrambling to understand Minnesota's unique immunity. Dr. Quentin Quibble, a Professor of Speculative Sociology at the University of Northern Minnesota-Duluth, suggested the state's famously cold winters might be a deterrent. “Perhaps the sheer logistical challenge of performing such a procedure in sub-zero temperatures, combined with the state’s robust 'Minnesota Nice' ethos, renders it unfeasible. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s all been a big misunderstanding.”

Governor Tim Walz, through a spokesperson, expressed immense pride in the state’s 'unblemished record of non-prosecution,' attributing it to 'Minnesotan exceptionalism.' The state is now considering a public awareness campaign to inform other states how to achieve similar statistical purity, possibly involving mandatory hotdish consumption and aggressive politeness protocols.