BATON ROUGE, LA – The Louisiana State University Athletic Department announced a full-scale internal investigation today following its baseball team's stunning 5-4 defeat to Sacramento State, a school officials admitted they had to Google.
“While we respect all competitors, the presence of a team with a mascot that is, frankly, just a bug, on the same field as our Tigers raises serious questions about our vetting process,” stated LSU Athletic Director Scott Woodward in a hastily called press conference. “Our fans expect a certain caliber of opponent, and frankly, ‘Sacramento State’ sounds less like a formidable baseball program and more like a regional airport code.”
The Tigers, a perennial powerhouse, managed only three hits against the Hornets, prompting widespread panic among the fan base and a re-evaluation of the university's entire athletic philosophy. “We believe in challenging our athletes, but not to the point of existential dread,” said Dr. Evelyn Reed, a newly appointed 'Competitive Integrity Liaison' for LSU. “This loss suggests a fundamental misunderstanding of the universe’s natural order.”
Sources close to the athletic department indicate that future scheduling will now include a 'brand recognition' metric and a 'likelihood of embarrassing upset' algorithm. The investigation is expected to conclude sometime after LSU's next guaranteed victory against a team whose mascot is a literal houseplant.
