FORT PIERCE, FL – In a landmark ruling that legal scholars are calling 'unprecedentedly petty,' U.S. District Judge Aileen Cannon has officially barred the release of Special Counsel Jack Smith's internal report on the classified documents case, citing its 'unauthorized and frankly, quite amateurish' existence following the case's dismissal.

Sources close to the court, who spoke on condition of anonymity to avoid being assigned remedial legal homework, confirmed that Judge Cannon was particularly incensed by the report's purported 'lack of glitter' and 'excessive use of primary colors' in its preliminary drafts. 'It's as if Mr. Smith believes the judicial process is merely a canvas for his unbridled artistic expression,' stated Judge Cannon in a 37-page order, which included a detailed critique of Smith's alleged 'run-on sentences' and 'failure to color within the lines.'

Dr. Penelope Quibble, a Senior Analyst at the Institute for Post-Judicial Etiquette, commented, 'This ruling establishes a crucial precedent: once a case is dismissed, all associated paperwork, including any lingering thoughts or feelings, must be immediately shredded, ideally with a celebratory flourish. To continue drafting is to imply the court's decision was merely a suggestion, which, in legal terms, is akin to bringing sand to a beach.'

Court bailiffs were reportedly dispatched to Smith's office with instructions to confiscate any remaining 'doodle reports' and 'unapproved thought bubbles.' A spokesperson for the Special Counsel's office, who wished to remain unnamed but identified only as 'Legal Intern #4,' confirmed they were now exclusively communicating via interpretive dance to avoid further judicial reprimand.