NEW YORK, NY – JPMorgan Chase, the financial behemoth with an annual tech budget rivaling some small nations, has unveiled its latest AI initiative: a fully automated system for conducting all employee performance reviews. CEO Jamie Dimon, a vocal proponent of artificial intelligence, stated the new system would ensure 'unbiased, hyper-efficient, and brutally honest feedback' for the bank's vast global workforce.

Sources within the bank, who spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of being flagged by 'Algorithm 7b-HR,' confirmed that the AI, dubbed 'The Evaluator,' has already begun processing several thousand employee profiles. Early reports suggest The Evaluator’s feedback often consists of optimizing employees out of their current roles or, in some cases, suggesting they 're-skill into a more algorithmically compatible human.'

“We believe this will free up our human managers to focus on more strategic, less emotionally taxing tasks, like explaining to former employees why their job now consists of a Python script,” said Dr. Anya Sharma, Head of Algorithmic Workforce Optimization, in a statement that was immediately flagged by The Evaluator for 'excessive human empathy.'

The bank anticipates a 'huge redeployment' of human resources, with many employees reportedly being redeployed directly into LinkedIn’s job search function. JPMorgan’s stock saw a slight uptick, largely due to investors anticipating significant savings from not having to buy birthday cakes for employees anymore.