LOS ANGELES – In a stunning revelation that has sent ripples of relief through the entertainment industry, actress Jessica Alba has confirmed she was not “embarrassed” by a past on-screen kissing scene with a celebrity co-star. The clarification comes amidst widespread speculation that such an act might have led to an existential crisis or, at the very least, a strongly worded apology tour.
“We understand the public’s need for certainty on these matters,” stated Dr. Evelyn Reed, head of the Institute for Celebrity Emotional Well-being. “For too long, the silent question of whether Ms. Alba harbored deep-seated regret over a professional interaction has weighed heavily on the collective consciousness. Her candor is a brave step towards healing.”
Sources close to the situation, who wished to remain anonymous to protect their ability to speculate wildly on other celebrity non-scandals, indicated that the actress’s declaration has averted a potential crisis of confidence within Hollywood. “If Jessica Alba, of all people, was publicly shamed by a kiss, what hope was there for the rest of us?” pondered one studio executive, reportedly wiping sweat from their brow.
The announcement is expected to be taught in future acting schools as a prime example of maintaining composure in the face of hypothetical public judgment. Alba’s representatives have yet to confirm if she is also not embarrassed by her lunch choices yesterday.
