TEHRAN – Iranian university administrations have issued a joint communiqué urging students to cease spontaneous gatherings at campus memorials, redirecting them instead to officially sanctioned 'Quiet Contemplation Cubicles' and 'Approved Academic Apathy Lounges.' The directive comes after several universities, including those in Tehran and Mashhad, reported students 'congregating with unusual gravity' near commemorative sites over the weekend.

Dr. Alireza Fakhri-zadeh, Head of the Ministry of Higher Education’s Department of Preventative Thought Management, stated, 'While we appreciate students’ burgeoning interest in historical markers, these unscheduled assemblies are creating logistical bottlenecks and, frankly, an unquantifiable sense of collective introspection. Our campuses are designed for rigorous, pre-approved intellectual pursuits, not… well, whatever this is.'

Eyewitness accounts describe students standing silently, occasionally placing flowers or lighting candles, actions described by campus security as 'unauthorized acts of non-compliance.' One student, who wished to remain anonymous but identified herself as 'Student 7B,' remarked, 'We were just… remembering. It’s a new elective, I think. 'Advanced Grief Studies'?'

University officials are now considering implementing a 'Memorial Visit Permit' system, requiring students to submit a 48-hour notice, a rationale for their visit, and a signed waiver confirming they will not engage in 'unapproved emotional displays.' Penalties for non-compliance could include mandatory enrollment in the 'Optimistic Outlook Seminar' or, in severe cases, the dreaded 'Extended Library Hours' program.