TEHRAN – The Islamic Republic of Iran’s government has issued a stern clarification regarding widespread rumors of Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei’s demise, stating unequivocally that the 85-year-old cleric is merely 'resting his eyes' for an indeterminate period. State television reported that Khamenei is undergoing a 'deep spiritual retreat' that requires absolute silence and a complete cessation of vital functions.

“His Eminence is merely communing with the divine on a level most mortals cannot comprehend,” announced Minister of Information and Communications, Reza Pahlavi, in a televised address. “This profound state of non-responsiveness is a testament to his unwavering devotion, not, as some malicious foreign actors suggest, a biological conclusion.” Pahlavi added that any public displays of 'premature jubilation' were deeply disrespectful to the Supreme Leader’s ongoing spiritual journey.

Meanwhile, reports from several Iranian cities indicate spontaneous outbreaks of what state media described as 'overzealous communal prayer sessions' and 'unauthorized street cleaning initiatives.' One resident, who wished to remain anonymous, told Hambry, “We are simply celebrating the potential for a very, very long nap for everyone involved.”

Authorities have reassured the public that Khamenei’s 'extended ocular repose' will not affect the nation’s governance, as all critical decisions will continue to be made by an ever-vigilant council of highly motivated individuals.