WASHINGTON D.C. — In a dramatic turn of events that has Washington pundits scrambling for their conspiracy bingo cards, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has accused the Trump administration of orchestrating a sinister Epstein files "cover-up," during a late-night BBC interview aired precisely at 3:17 a.m. GMT to maximize global intrigue.

"Get the files out. They are slow-walking it," Clinton declared, apparently unaware that the current administration had just installed a state-of-the-art file delivery system programmed to dispatch documents by carrier pigeons wearing tiny blindfolds.

The White House fired back swiftly, releasing a comprehensive 87-slide PowerPoint presentation titled "Our Unmatched Commitment to Epstein Victims," which included metrics like "Number of times White House staff said ‘Believe me’" and "Victim support via motivational office posters."

Dr. Percival T. Snodgrass, PhD, Director of the Institute for Bureaucratic Transparency and Vice President of the National Society for Obfuscation Studies, mused, "This isn’t just a cover-up. It’s a cover-up with extra cheese. The administration is clearly trying to sandwich the truth between layers of polite denials and baffling jargon."

Meanwhile, a White House official, speaking on condition of anonymity and wearing an official "I’ve Seen Enough Papers to Last a Lifetime" badge, confirmed that "more victim support" included a weekly coffee hour titled ‘Espresso Yourself,’ lending new meaning to 'grounds for hope.'

As the slow-walking continues, America watches, sipping lukewarm coffee and filling out their own bingo cards, hoping to spot the next scandalous move before the carrier pigeons do.