LONDON – A groundbreaking, yet deeply unsettling, study released today by the Institute for Ocular Overload (IOO) confirms what millions of motorists have long suspected: modern headlights are not merely 'bright,' but are actively dismantling the very fabric of human nocturnal perception, potentially rendering night vision obsolete by 2035.

“We’re talking about a full-spectrum photonic assault,” stated Dr. Quentin Blinker, Lead Ophthalmological Warfare Strategist at the IOO, adjusting his own heavily tinted spectacles. “Our data indicates that prolonged exposure to high-intensity LED beams is effectively re-calibrating the human retina to a state of perpetual midday. Soon, night will just be… a slightly dimmer day.”

The report, titled 'The Great Glare: How Humanity Lost the Dark,' details an alarming 3,700% increase in 'post-headlight-event temporary scotoma' (PHETS) over the last decade. One anonymous motorist, quoted in the study, described the experience as 'like having the sun perform a solo concert directly inside my skull, while a thousand tiny angels scream in Latin.'

Experts warn that a quick fix is unlikely. “The problem isn’t just the brightness; it’s the *attitude*,” explained Professor Lumina Dazzle, Head of Vehicular Ego-Illumination Studies at the University of Automotive Hubris. “Drivers aren't just seeing; they're *dominating* the night. And you can't regulate that kind of primal, light-based territoriality with a simple dimmer switch.”

Until a solution is found, the IOO recommends wearing welder’s masks while driving after dusk, or simply embracing a 24-hour daylight cycle. The future, it seems, is blindingly bright.