LONDON – In a groundbreaking move hailed by efficiency experts and bewildering to parents, the Department for Education announced today a radical overhaul of England's special educational needs (SEN) system. By 2035, only children demonstrating 'verifiably complex, potentially supernatural capabilities' will be eligible for Education, Health and Care Plans (EHCPs).

Under the new guidelines, eligibility criteria will shift dramatically from traditional learning difficulties to measurable manifestations of extraordinary abilities. A spokesperson for the newly formed 'Bureau of Exceptional Prodigies and Quasi-Mystical Talent Assessment' (BEPQMTA), Dr. Penelope Winkle, stated, “We're moving away from the antiquated notion of 'needs' and towards 'unharnessed potential.' If a child can’t levitate their lunchbox or mentally solve a quadratic equation while simultaneously conjuring a small, non-threatening orb of light, frankly, they’re just not complex enough for our streamlined 2035 framework.”

Critics, primarily parents of children with actual, non-magical special needs, expressed 'mild confusion' and 'a growing sense of existential dread.' However, Lord Bartholomew 'Barty' Butterfield, Head of 'Future-Proofing Our Youth' at the Ministry of Sensible Austerity, praised the initiative. “This isn't about cutting costs,” he clarified, “it’s about focusing resources where they truly matter: on the next generation of super-powered citizens. The current system is bloated with children who merely struggle with literacy. Where's the societal benefit in that?”

Sources close to the DfE suggest that initial pilot programs will involve children attempting to bend spoons with their minds and accurately predict lottery numbers.