SAN FRANCISCO – Citing a direct and unprovoked assault on its bottom line, Gap Inc. has formally requested that all major weather systems immediately halt their disruptive activities. The fashion conglomerate announced today that its recent financial performance was severely hampered by 'historic' winter storms, which forced the temporary closure of approximately 800 Gap and Old Navy locations.
“We simply cannot operate in an environment where the very sky itself is actively conspiring against our quarterly earnings,” stated Brenda Harrison, Gap Inc.’s newly appointed Chief Atmospheric Liaison Officer, in a press conference held indoors, just in case. “Our projections did not account for this level of meteorological belligerence. Frankly, we expected a more predictable, less financially impactful climate.”
Industry analysts were quick to praise Gap Inc.’s bold stance. “It takes real courage to demand that nature bend to the will of shareholder value,” commented Dr. Evelyn Reed, a professor of Corporate Meteorology at the University of Phoenix Online. “This could set a precedent for other corporations to hold the Earth accountable for its unpredictable behavior.”
The company is reportedly exploring legal options against various fronts, including 'The Jet Stream' and 'Polar Vortex Enterprises,' for damages incurred. Meanwhile, meteorologists worldwide have yet to comment, presumably too busy laughing into their anemometers.
