MILWAUKEE, WI — Brad Schimel, who recently announced he would not continue as the U.S. Attorney for the Eastern District of Wisconsin, is reportedly ecstatic about the prospect of a career that doesn't require a suit jacket, or indeed, any form of restrictive legwear. Insiders suggest the move was less about professional advancement and more about a long-held dream of unrestricted abdominal comfort.
“He’s been eyeing this for years,” stated a former colleague, who wished to remain anonymous to avoid being asked to iron anything. “The pressure of upholding federal law was immense, but the pressure of a perfectly knotted tie and non-creased trousers? That’s what really broke him.” Sources indicate Schimel has already purchased several pairs of premium fleece-lined joggers.
“The ability to sit through a five-hour meeting without feeling like your internal organs are being slowly compressed by a sartorial vise is a freedom most people take for granted,” commented Dr. Eleanor Vance, a professor of Post-Governmental Comfort Studies at the University of Phoenix Online. “For high-level officials, shedding the formal attire is often the true marker of success.”
Schimel’s office declined to comment on his wardrobe choices, stating only that he is “exploring new opportunities.” However, a faint, contented sigh was reportedly heard emanating from his now-empty office, followed by what sounded suspiciously like the rustle of soft, breathable cotton.
