WASHINGTON D.C. – In a sweeping move to 'streamline national discourse' and 'reduce cognitive load' on the American public, the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) has announced new guidelines effectively banning political interviews from late-night television. Industry sources report that Stephen Colbert was among the first to feel the chill, forced to scrap an interview with Texas State Representative James Talarico in favor of what sources close to the production described as 'an emergency segment on the surprising resilience of lint.'

Under the new 'Entertainment Purity Act of 2024,' late-night hosts are now encouraged to feature only 'non-sentient, emotionally neutral, or demonstrably adorable' guests. Dr. Phineas Bumble, Head of Nocturnal Content De-Politicization at the FCC, stated, 'Our data, gathered from over 300,000 hours of focus group sleep patterns, indicates that political opinions after 11 PM lead to a 73% increase in tossing and turning. We believe the public deserves a good night's rest, free from the burden of complex human issues.'

Future guests are expected to include a rotating cast of domestic animals, particularly those with 'minimal vocalization capabilities,' and inanimate objects capable of 'mild, non-threatening jiggling.' A CBS spokesperson, who wished to remain anonymous but identified only as 'Employee #47,' confirmed, 'We're already in talks with a particularly photogenic hamster and a self-stirring coffee mug. The ratings potential for 'Hamster Reviews Cheese' is, frankly, off the charts.'