WASHINGTON D.C. – The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) has announced a groundbreaking initiative to ensure all broadcast media aligns with what it terms 'optimal national pride metrics,' effectively mandating a new 'Freedom Frequency' for all programming. The move comes as part of the 'Pledge America Campaign,' urging broadcasters to focus on content highlighting 'the historic accomplishments of this great nation from our founding through the Trump Administration today.'

Starting July 4th, 2024, all networks will be required to dedicate a minimum of 73% of their airtime to programs featuring bald eagles, meticulously rendered historical reenactments of tax cuts, and documentary-style series on the inherent superiority of American-made household appliances. Shows failing to meet a newly established 'Patriotism Quotient' (PQ) will face immediate bandwidth reallocation to channels airing C-SPAN footage of flag manufacturing.

“For too long, our airwaves have been polluted by programming that merely 'informs' or 'entertains' without sufficiently elevating the national spirit,” stated Dr. Sterling P. Banner, Director of Auricular Allegiance at the newly formed Department of Broadcast Benevolence. “We’re not asking for propaganda; we’re asking for an unwavering, 100% commitment to the idea that everything is, and always has been, perfectly fine.”

Local affiliate KPRD-TV in Peoria, Illinois, has already begun converting its entire schedule. “Our hit show 'Local News at 6' will now be 'Local News at 6: A Celebration of Local News at 6,' followed by an hour of archival footage of corn,” reported station manager Brenda 'Betsy' Rossman, adding, “It’s what the Founding Fathers would have wanted, probably.”