WASHINGTON D.C. — A groundbreaking new study published by the Institute of Culinary Science has definitively concluded that the widespread belief in MSG’s harmful effects is largely a performance art piece. Researchers found no discernible difference in physiological response between individuals consuming MSG and those consuming a placebo, beyond a statistically significant increase in eye-rolls from dining companions.

“For decades, we’ve heard anecdotal reports of headaches, nausea, and general malaise after consuming MSG,” stated Dr. Evelyn Reed, lead researcher. “Our double-blind, placebo-controlled trials, however, consistently showed that the primary symptom was a sudden, inexplicable urge to announce one’s dietary restrictions to an entire restaurant, often followed by a detailed, unsolicited history of 'Chinese Restaurant Syndrome,' which, for the record, isn't a thing.”

The study, which involved thousands of participants unknowingly consuming various levels of MSG, found that the only consistent reaction among self-proclaimed MSG-sensitive individuals was a heightened sense of self-importance. Participants who believed they were avoiding MSG reported feeling 'lighter' and 'more authentic,' even when their food was secretly brimming with the flavor enhancer.

“It turns out, the most potent ingredient in the MSG debate isn’t glutamate; it’s the human ego,” Dr. Reed added. “We recommend simply enjoying your food, and perhaps, a touch more self-awareness.” The institute plans a follow-up study on whether gluten sensitivity is just a sophisticated way to avoid sharing dessert.