WASHINGTON D.C. – A new report from the International Planetary Defense Coalition (IPDC) has definitively stated that the likelihood of a catastrophic asteroid impact in the immediate future pales in comparison to the certainty of enduring a full-body scan, followed by a thorough pat-down, at any major international airport.

“While we continue to monitor near-Earth objects with diligence, the probability of a civilization-ending space rock hitting us tomorrow remains astronomically low,” explained Dr. Evelyn Reed, lead astrophysicist for the IPDC. “However, the probability of having to remove your shoes, belt, and dignity at the TSA checkpoint? That’s basically 100% for anyone flying commercially.”

The report, titled “Existential Threats: A Prioritization Guide for the Anxious Modern Human,” also noted that worrying about an asteroid is significantly less productive than worrying about the rising cost of living, the next social media algorithm change, or whether your smart home device is secretly judging your snack choices.

“We understand the allure of a dramatic, Hollywood-esque demise,” added financial analyst Mark Thompson, who contributed to the report’s risk assessment. “But statistically speaking, you’re far more likely to be slowly crushed by your mortgage payments than instantly vaporized by a celestial body. Focus your anxieties where they belong: on things you can almost, but not quite, control.”

Citizens are advised to continue bracing for Monday mornings, not meteorites.