BRUSSELS – The European Union's Anti-Fraud Office (OLAF) has escalated its investigation into former Trade Commissioner Peter Mandelson, announcing today the implementation of the 'Mandelson Protocol,' a sweeping directive requiring all 447 million EU citizens to maintain a state of low-level suspicion regarding his activities. The move comes as OLAF expands its probe into allegations of unspecified 'mandelsonian influence' and 'general slickness.'

Under the new protocol, national authorities are urged to establish 'Mandelson Observation Units' tasked with monitoring any public appearances, private dinners, or even 'unusually well-timed coincidences' involving the former commissioner. Citizens are encouraged to report sightings via a newly launched 'Mandelson Watch' app, which features a 'suspicious smirk' detection algorithm.

Dr. Elara Finch, Head of Pre-Emptive Malfeasance at OLAF, stated, 'Our preliminary findings suggest a statistically improbable correlation between Lord Mandelson's presence and the subsequent occurrence of, well, *things*. This protocol simply formalizes the intuition many have felt for decades.'

Local authorities are reportedly overwhelmed. 'We had a call yesterday about a man in a pinstripe suit looking at a menu for slightly too long,' reported Inspector Gerard Dubois of the Paris Bureau of Unexplained Affluence. 'It turned out to be a tourist, but we had to follow procedure.'

Professor Quentin Blight, a leading expert in 'Subtle Machinations' at the University of Ghent, commented, 'This isn't about guilt; it's about potentiality. The EU is simply acknowledging that some individuals possess an inherent capacity for strategic advantage, irrespective of specific actions. It's a pre-emptive strike against the very concept of being 'in the know'.'