TWICKENHAM – In a move described by analysts as 'bold' and by others as 'deeply concerning,' England Rugby head coach Steve Borthwick has reportedly abandoned traditional selection criteria in favor of a simpler, more immediate metric: who bothered to turn up. The decision follows a series of 'sub-optimal' performances in the Six Nations, prompting a radical overhaul of the squad for the next fixture.

“Look, we tried the whole 'meritocracy' thing, the 'form' thing, the 'tactical fit' thing,” Borthwick is rumored to have told a bewildered coaching staff. “But frankly, after the last two games, the only consistent quality I’m looking for is a pulse and a pair of boots. If you’re here, you’re in. It’s a clean slate, or perhaps, a completely blank slate.”

The unprecedented selection process has seen several veteran players reportedly replaced by a mix of academy prospects and a groundskeeper who was 'just trying to fix the scrum machine.' One anonymous source within the RFU stated, “It’s certainly a fresh approach. We’re hoping the sheer surprise of being picked will motivate them. Or at least, prevent them from asking too many questions about the game plan.”

Critics are calling it a desperate gamble, while supporters are hailing it as a return to 'first principles' – specifically, the principle of having enough bodies to field a team. The new strategy is expected to bring an 'unpredictable' element to England’s play, primarily because even the players won't know what's happening.