WASHINGTON D.C. – The Department of Justice (DOJ) announced today that its recent decision to withhold certain Epstein-related files, particularly those tangentially linked to former President Trump, was a meticulously planned 'Preemptive Mental Health Initiative' designed to spare the American populace from an 'unnecessary surge of collective existential dread.' The move, initially perceived as an attempt to obscure information, is now being lauded by some as a bold, if paternalistic, act of public service.

“Our data models, which incorporate factors like national anxiety levels and the average number of daily doom-scrolls, indicated a critical threshold would be breached if these documents were released pre-SOTU,” explained Dr. Evelyn P. Grumbles, Lead Anthropomorphic Data Analyst for the DOJ's Bureau of Predictive Societal Malaise. “It wasn't about secrecy; it was about preventing a nationwide 'emotional brownout' during a crucial televised address.”

Critics of the transparency, or lack thereof, were reportedly mollified by a confidential DOJ presentation detailing projected societal collapse metrics, including a 17% increase in spontaneous sighing and a 9.3% spike in the purchase of comfort blankets. “Frankly, I was ready to call for an impeachment inquiry,” admitted Rep. Bartholomew 'Barty' Frizzle (R-KY), Chair of the House Subcommittee on Unsettling Revelations, “but then they showed me the graph of anticipated national eye-rolls. It was truly terrifying.”

The DOJ confirmed the files remain secure, awaiting a 'societally opportune moment' for release, possibly during a particularly dull news cycle or after a major sporting event, when public emotional resilience is deemed sufficiently high.