WASHINGTON D.C. – The U.S. Department of Justice announced today that the dozens of highly anticipated Epstein files related to former President Donald Trump, previously reported as missing from public record, have been successfully recovered. Officials confirmed the documents were located in a 'previously unexplored micro-environment' behind the Oval Office's historic red velvet couch.

“We are pleased to report that the integrity of our archival system remains uncompromised,” stated Dr. Evelyn Piffle, Chief Archivist for Unforeseen Document Relocations at the National Bureau of Paperwork Preservation. “It appears a particularly vigorous dusting operation in late 2020 may have inadvertently dislodged the files, which then settled into a surprisingly snug, dust-bunny-lined crevice.”

The discovery comes after a top House Democrat expressed concern over the files' disappearance. Justice Department spokesperson, Brenda 'The Binder' Jenkins, assured the public that such incidents are 'exceedingly rare, occurring only during periods of significant executive transition or particularly aggressive vacuuming.'

“These documents are now undergoing a rigorous lint-removal and re-categorization process,” Jenkins added, noting that preliminary assessments suggest the files contain 'extensive doodles' and 'what appears to be a grocery list from 2018.' The DOJ anticipates the fully de-linted documents will be available for public review sometime after the next glacial period.