WASHINGTON D.C. – The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) today unveiled its ambitious new 'Pre-Apocalyptic' travel tier, a mandatory program for all air travelers previously enrolled in TSA PreCheck and Global Entry. The initiative, effective immediately following the suspension of expedited screening programs, aims to 'recalibrate public expectations regarding the efficiency of modern air travel' amidst ongoing government funding impasses.

Under the new system, former PreCheck members will now be subjected to an enhanced, multi-stage screening process including, but not limited to, full-body pat-downs conducted by sentient robotic arms, mandatory interpretive dance performances to prove non-hostile intent, and a 45-minute lecture on the geopolitical implications of carry-on liquids. DHS Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, speaking through a pre-recorded hologram, stated, 'This isn't a downgrade; it's an immersive experience. We're offering a glimpse into a future where every journey is an epic quest.'

Dr. Elara Vance, lead behavioral economist at the Institute for Existential Bureaucracy, praised the move. 'By removing the illusion of speed, DHS is fostering a healthier relationship between citizens and their government — one built on mutual distrust and prolonged inconvenience. It’s a bold step towards national unity through shared suffering.'

One former Global Entry member, Brenda 'The Bouncer' Jenkins, 57, of Topeka, Kansas, was reportedly seen attempting to bribe a baggage handler with a half-eaten granola bar for access to a broom closet, muttering, 'Just let me sleep for five minutes before they make me take off my shoes again.' Authorities confirmed she was subsequently enrolled in the 'Advanced Existential Re-Evaluation' module.